My moods lately have been rather poor. It feel there is something heavy hanging over me at all times. I cry. My mind races. Every noise or discomfort feels greatly out of proportion causing me some intense irritability, agitation and frustration. 

I spoke to my psychiatrist today. I feel like I’m making no progress. I feel like I’m drowning. Instead of reducing my med list it seems to continue to grow. Last appointment he added gabapentin, this appointment me upped it and added lamictal. 

I just want some similance of normal. I forget what it feels like. Maybe I never knew. People around me seem to know what normal is. They pass by my, smiling and laughing. They move on with their work and social lives. All spinning in a circle around me like some fucked up carousel. I stand and watch them, unable to relate, unable to join in their cheery conversations. Just me, alone and not alone. Sad but manic. Sick of faking. Sick of crying. Sick of hating and feeling so irritated at EVERYTHING. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.